Ok All the Experts out there.. Now what are your comments..

My last post asking for aid, brought forth all the creative minds. The criticism and input was gratefully received, in fact I had some of my best laughs at myself, didn’t realise what an idiot I was. Putting out an ad without contacts, using my normal verbosity, and trying to do a verbal sale via an ad was not the way to go.

Expounders of wisdom came flying to my aid.. Penny L Howe, Venessa-Jane Chapman, Latitude28 (her husband), SherryM (an old acquaintance) who roped in her son. bloganoceros (who bluntly told me I’d posted a heap of s…), Lorna’s voice (dang she can get serious as well), Artsifrtsy another helpful contributor and of course all of you swinging between the white and green background.

Well I knocked up another, and am once again turning to my friends to give me your opinion…. would this ad make you interested enough to contact me?? Not for my pretty face, or hilarious demeanour, not even for my heavenly vivacious body, but for my software program..

Speak up, feel free to vent any pent up anger on me, but just tell me if this grabs you or not… remember, you must think like a Golf Course Manager, that is being pestered by the powers that be,  to start saving costs on a budget of around the 5 to 6 million mark, and they are expecting at least a 10% REDUCTION…

Advert for blog


54 thoughts on “Ok All the Experts out there.. Now what are your comments..

  1. Hi Rob, I think this version is better than the last one, which I never got round to commenting on, but here are a few words that I think could work in your ad.
    Headline:- Now You Can Manage Your Golf Course Effectively and Save Money – Here are some other benefits that might attract golf course managers, committees, sports institutions etc.

    • Provide transparency of operations
    • Identify potential cost savings
    • Safeguard asset value
    • Monitor and control expenditure
    • Measure and continually improve performance

    Brian (aka Golfspice on Street Articles)

    • To start.. what a great happening .. you commenting on my blog… welcome Brian… secondly to come up with such good catch phrases.. I’m blown away… now some of these definitely need incorporating within the Ad, great catchy wording…
      I do appreciate the input and specially someone that knows the industry… thank you so much…

  2. All that is left for me to do after reading all these suggestions is agree and to say well done! This format definitely looks better and more striking. Have a blessed Easter weekend.

  3. Much better – easier to read and understand. I would lead with your headline – tell the reader why they should go further. I think the company info in the lower corner is fine – once you read the pitch you naturally end up there to look for contact info, but I would make the company name more prominent or replace it with a logo.

    • Thank you again for such expert advise we will play around again and see what strikes us the best… but we do all agree with you experts out there we feel we are now getting closer….

  4. This is so much better … and much clearer message … but your logo should be in the middle of the page and on top … and also I think all the images are very messy … do they have to be that many to get the message through. Fare too much going on – in the top of the advert, but this only me. And I think you have to have a good photo of a golfer in action … http://www.gaspsystems.com/ – check this out … not much information but very clear message. Good luck.

  5. I only wanted to comment on your heavenly vivacious body, Bulldog – but here are my thoughts on the ad. One thing, you say ‘let us help you’. Okay, being an IT illiterate like me, if I saw this I would assume that you would ‘help’ me with data input etc. Do you have a 24×7 help desk for dummies like me? 😉

    • we do have a help desk the hours of which we as yet not decided upon… however I wrote the the help files for dummies and the input of data is actually been done so well, that ones computer knowledge can be minimal… so you wont be needing to phone me at all times of the day …unless it was for my heavenly vivacious body..

  6. One of the other commenters suggested putting ‘Save money on YOUR golf course’ rather than ‘…THE golf course’. I was thinking the same thing because if you just say ‘Save money on the golf course’ then it could be speaking to the players, you want to straight away make it clear that this is aimed at the course owners. We only know that it’s aimed at the owners because you’ve told us, it’s not immediately obvious from the ad itself. I’m also not keen on the font you have used in the main box on the right, to me it cheapens the look a bit, the plainer font like you have in the main section looks more professional. Getting there!

  7. All the important things have been dealt with. I was going to say what Lorna said on #2, but she did it for me. One little thing I would add is a capital letter for street on the address: 801 Milligal Street.
    You’re getting there!

    • Thank you Anneli.. I have change to Lorna’s suggestions already and have now changed the s to S.. but thank you again for your input… it’s getting better as we go along…

  8. OK…here are my thoughts! I think it’s too busy.

    I wouldn’t have your company name and logo at the bottom. My eye at least always goes to the top first. You want to start branding your name early and often! I hope somewhere along the line you read Steve Jobs’ biography and how he thought about branding Apple. Think simple and the power of the symbol! Front and bold from the very beginning.

    I think I’d kind of flip the bottom and top of your page.

    Maybe put the important message “Save Money on the Golf Course” closer to the top where that message will be guaranteed primary importance. Top billing! I might even think of referring to it as “YOUR golf course…” not sure about your audience there, but it would make the message personal.

    I think the side column is good as is, for my tastes.

    I don’t know what happens when the Enter arrow is clicked or where that takes you. But if possible, I’d have one large IPad or computer screen with graphics on your front page, and then when the arrow is clicked it would take you to the various graphics depicting what the software is designed to do. The busyness of the computer screen graphics takes your eye away from your company name and what the software is offering to do–“Save Money on the Golf Course.”

    I don’t know if I’ve described my thoughts adequately for you to envision what I’m saying, and I am NO marketing professional, but I am one who gets very lost in a visually complex message. I tend to like simple lines where I can quickly assess what it’s about, then have very clear (like the arrow) directions for opening windows to more detailed information. I’m eager to check back and see what others have to say. I think you have such a great product and for those who need to know about savings, they will certainly want to know more about your product and services it offers.

    I’m just one voice, but I’m so eager to see this take off for you! I know the importance of the message and getting your name out there. Now to see what others have to say! 🙂 Debra

    • Thank you and I do like a lot of your ideas… this is for the magazine and the thought was if we get it right it would form part of the website where just as you described clicking on the enter button would take you into a few visual details and descriptions… we have a web developer which costs a pretty penny and this is why we are trying to do our own Mag ad… but thank you for taking the time to give your …I think great input… much appreciated..

  9. MUCH better! I would suggest two minor changes:

    1. Center the Analytical Golf Course Management Software (capitalizing the S in software)–just more pleasing to the eye
    2. Re-word the next line to say: Understanding your spending profile saves money. Let us help you.

    Ha! I never even picked up on the fact that you didn’t have contact info. Some marketer I would make. Guess I better stick to humor!

  10. I struggled with the white text and decorative font. Content of text much better, though. I actually liked the pic of the golf course, Bulldog! This looks very functional and less attractive to my eye and I’m less drawn to it. But then I am not your audience and the more functional aspect may be your point! As long as you’ve had some input from the people who will actually buy it then I’m sure you’ll hit the spot. Best to you!

    • The reason I left out the photo is that some interpreted that we were selling a maintenance program/ fertiliser/ chemical/ planning etc… and that is the furthest from the truth… it is purely figures and analysis to determine where the money goes… managers can tell you how much goes out to the course but can’t tell you where it is being spent… this program tells you where to the finest detail… and that is when you pick up the errors, spending money on the non important parts of a course… is the norm, but how do you determine this… none do.. we can tell you and one can save enormous amounts of money if you know where it went… all that just to tell you why we went against a photo … sorry..

  11. I like the part that says minimal time needed for data input….I might put something like that closer to the top….
    I think anything that stresses something being easy, and quick is a “hook”, that will catch their attention.

    • I disagree, zannyro–anyone familiar with these accounting-package-apps knows that ‘minimal’ is BS–I think leaving it in at all endangers the credibility of the ad. Besides, ‘minimal’ is one of those relative terms that have no clear meaning, so it doesn’t offer anything positive to the shpiel.

      • Sorry my friend .. this is also not an accounting package… it’s complete divorced from that… our program cannot be confused with accounting packages/labour control clock systems/ book keeping systems etc.. we analyse the input costs by simply .. capturing work details/ expenditure/ chemical and fertiliser applications/ equipment repairs and cost and with this detail we get the answers.. on a daily basis it will take the Course Superintendent approx. 20 min of his day/ the workshop manager the same/ the data accountant approx 20 min per week and the manager as much time as they want to analyse and monitor cause all they have to put in is the salaries paid.. the set up is a lot longer but we do that for them and then they’re good to go… so the wording minimal time for data capture is totally correct… remember I have been working this program for 5 to 6 years, and as a Super I don’t want to be in an office, in fact my office is on the course, in the elements, so the iPad use is even better. I did not want to spend hours inside so it had to be developed for the Green Keeper that needs to spend time looking at his product and not his computer screen… it takes me a mere 4 hours to fill in a whole months data.. and that is doing all 4 jobs.. that equates to 11 min per day… not bad for an old fart….

        • I get you, Rob. Old coders like me figure an algorithm is an algorithm–I meant no offense to you or zannyro. But it never hurts to underestimate the prospects’ interest in your product–when we did old fashioned junk-mailings, a return of 2% was considered fine. But whatdoIknowRight?
          I shall henceforth step back and leave this issue to the others. I sincerely wish you a great promotion and much success–good luck.

  12. The first thing that catches my eye is that the upper images aren’t convincing me to continue looking. Thus, “Saving Money on the Golf Course” (or whatever words) are more catching in my opinion.

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